Her Name Was Jesus…

By Dr. Yannick Peetridish

Of course scholars of religion have long wrestled with 3 questions: 1. Is religion epiphenomenal or is it sui generis? 2. Can the west understand religious activity beyond the prism of Protestantism? 3. Why do some men get so upset about homosexuality if they are not themselves…a little curious. 

I have spent much of my life defending myself from accusations of anti-Christianity. But verily say unto thee, of course there is a case for Jesus, but we have remembered Christ incorrectly.

The year was 0, and a beautiful baby girl was born.

“On entering the house, they saw the child with Mary his mother; and they knelt down and paid him homage. Then, opening their treasure chests, they offered him gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh…” They did not bring a sword, a shield, or a toy truck. They brought– jewelry and perfume. Next we read from the book of John (NIV) Chapter 8:1 (Slide) Okay great – let’s take a step back. The boys want to throw rocks and have Mosaic law solidly on their side. And what does Jesus say (mockingly) “Let any of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her”. It is just like a girl to stop boys from having fun with rocks. What man doesn’t want to engage in an evenly matched stone fight? A woman on the other hand makes the whole picture a little more clear and a lot less fun. Staying with the book of John (Slide) John 2:1-11  Water into wine . What do women love? Besides complaining and cuckolding it is most definitely wine. In fact! “Scholars” fixate on the Hebrew Yayeen or oinos from the Greek to discuss whether or not the wine was alcoholic or a very unpleasant juice. Oh but little have scholars focused on the Hebrew “varohd” or the Greek “roz” which described the wine. Roughly translated a light hue of red or a dark shade of pink. Essentially what we have here is a Rose. Now we move to the Gospel of Mark (slide) Are you so dull? No doubt that Jesus, who kept a 12 men harem would want to argue that anything that enters a person is totally no problem. But one man couldn’t take it. He didn’t have a boat to take Jesus out on. He couldn’t impress her with money. This Jewess was well out of his league. We know him as Judas – his name in truth, was actually Christian (this is of course just a coincidence) The story of Christian’s rejection and hate for Jesusica When we review the crucifixion itself we come to understand that Jesusica has done the emotional labor of carrying the sins of all of humanity. What a womanly guilt trip - a Jewish woman if there ever was one. Appearance of Jesus Okay very well so Jesus is a beautiful lady – it’s entirely unsurprising that she gains such a following – a woman showing her bare feet in bronze age Palestine – don’t mind if I do. Why aren’t Christians circumcised? Jesus believed in leading by example and as you can imagine she was none too excited at the prospect of circumcision 
Men follow her everywhere. Men do stupid things for women. No doubt trying to impress her they take Jesus out on their boat. These men think they have trapped the woman – no problem says Jesusica…I’ll walk on water. Let us continue to point out the obvious. “Jesus” had very long hair (slide). And whom shall we say has long hair a man or a woman? A woman of course (slide of female symbol)! “Jesus” wore a flowy robe. And whom shall we say wears flowy garments - a man or a woman? A woman of course (same slide of female symbol) to conceal her breasts no doubt. Early renditions of Jesus do not conceal here feminine features – look for yourselves! The Larger Patriarchical Conspiracy (Option) keep short In fact all of the synoptic gospels were written by women – Margaret, Lucy, Masha, and Janna. Basically it’s like this… (Snipe) Of course the belief in God is the ultimate comfort of reducing life’s many categories and ambiguity into a single certainty. In the year 23 and ½ Pliny the Younger, then Roman governor of Bithynia in Asia Minor mentions Christ in a major way in his written correspondence with Emperor Trajan. Big win for the Christians but no mention of her womanhood – a loss for us right? Far from it! Pliny the Younger was a noted pathological liar. In the year 26 and ¾ Pliny the Younger would host a toga party trying to impress his older siblings. Pliny the Elder was very impressed when he heard tales of the drinking and the exposure of 13 nipples. Pliny the eldest, knowing his youngest siblings penchant for perjury was none too pleased.